Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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