dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Randomize
