at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
And then he peed in my hair
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