I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
