it wasn't lemon gatorade
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
