My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
