somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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