i would punch a child for taco bell
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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