have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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