just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
