Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
