it's too hot outside to masturbate.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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