Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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