I think i peed on brittanys purse
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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