She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
