woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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