we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
