omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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