I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
