Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
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