I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
How does one acquire holy water?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
