I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I have fence marks all over my body
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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