I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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