My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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