I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just invented taco cereal.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
