singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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