that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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