At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
