My Higher Power is John Stamos
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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