Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
