is your mom at the bar?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
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