I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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