I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
