Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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