We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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