This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize