One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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