when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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