There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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