A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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