So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
