guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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