The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
