So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
