Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
