Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
