I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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