matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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