Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
