Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
