I'm so fucking centered right now
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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