Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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