Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
