haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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