I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
