I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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