I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
