the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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