Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
