can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
