I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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